35. Change

I feel weird because yesterday, we committed to a new pediatrician, a new pool place and to getting rid of our yard people.

I seem unable to cope with change. We have lived in this house longer than any since our childhoods-6 years. Our marriage is old-16 years. Our business is old-11 years. Our children are old-almost 11 and 14.

I have new hair but can't really deal with that either. It’s bad. We changed cell phone providers in March. I still haven’t adapted.

Everything just feels strange now. Like I am a crazy person. I don’t feel anything but I cry in public about odd things. I often cannot remember certain words I want, especially proper nouns and I think I am even forgetting how to spell…!!!

Bad Business
I am sad because our old pediatrician was wonderful. You felt he had a head full of knowledge and a method of keeping your kids well. You felt that your children were being cared for by someone smarter than you. It seems he is sick. He merged with another doctor- one whose office doesn’t know anything about our dr.’s condition. ?! They love to say how they merged. Even though none of his staff is left and our old dr. isn't there. They can’t fit you in because they are covering two doctors’ patients. They don’t know how to make copies of medical records. They just don’t know what to do.. How does one feel about having them care for your child? The worst one is when the secretary without taking down your name, number and information tells you they can’t see you that day. With our old pediatrician, he always called if you didn’t come in. And they definitely took down information on each call. I think maybe this is weird but to have the new staff lying to you like you are a dumbass and making decisions that should be made by the doctor, I guess it is time to move on.

Calling the lawn guy and asking him if our bill was right was scary. He was intimidating. Like how dare you question our methods? Yet. They now don’t come around and do the work themselves so they don’t have as good quality workmanship and yet their prices went up. Plus we had them do a lot less. This business style is constantly played out. Businesses over-reaching their abilities. Having people do your work because you are too stretched with commitments. Then don’t say you can take the job. Noone wants to pay you for someone else’s shoddy crap.

Pool people dropped every ball. Their chemical testing station wasn’t even working when Dave just decided to switch to the other people.

Movin’ On
My children are both in their last years in their schools. Jon is finishing elementary and Michael is finishing middle school. Jon’s wonderful wonderful teacher is retiring. A couple of Michael’s are too.. I get weepy at stupid stuff. Like chorus concerts and presentations. I only notice the past is over. I never notice the great future that Dave’s mom is so fond of.. I cried about leaving my pediatrician even though he’s not even there.. Disappeared into the ether.

And my babies. They are disappearing too. Mike’s little boy voice is gone. He is taller than me. Jon is getting all social and doesn’t like to cuddle as much. I just live in dread of his adorable voice changing away. They are still people I like and that is good. But my babies are disappearing.

You learn to be hard about loss. It seems like you are tough. It feels like you don’t care. People change and move away from you. People you loved don’t love you back. People you depended on are no longer dependable. People even die. Life goes on. Etc. But now the odd response. The tears about nothing. The feelings of dislocation when nothing has changed in the major components for years. The fear of losing what you have. The inability to hang on to it without wrecking it. Etc. Etc.

I don’t want to say I am old. Then some people take it as offense.. But I feel like I am beginning to dodder. Whatever that is.

You are only as young as you feel. But I feel old.

6/10/08

PS I am 42. The kids say 42 is the answer to everything...