12. Lego My Ego Tripping

I find that our friends are very difficult humans to deal with. I think Dave and I are also difficult for any of them to deal with. For that matter, we can’t really deal with each other.

Choose Magic
That aside, I felt driven to elaborate to one of our friends on my opinions about what I was calling a magical relationship. These relationships that are hard to pin down...Maybe you fly with that person. Maybe you make wonderful music with that person. There is no way to intellectualize it or explain it. You can only see it out of the corner of your eye. These relationships seem kind of difficult to maintain.

I said there are also comfort relationships. They maintain you. Keep you physically alive and comfortable. Probably good for touring and marriage.

I said you should identify the magical musical relationships and choose those for recording. I said that although I really enjoy lying in my bed, because it is really very comfortable, I might as well be dead. And to choose the comfortable music route is the same as choosing to lie in bed and be dead. You might as well forget your musical future. Just an idea, but one I felt strongly. I needed to throw it in the pot and point out a magical relationship I had seen and thought should not be forgotten or ignored.

Lego My Ego
His response to me seemed very strange. He said he really appreciated my concerns and that he would try and not let his ego get in the way so much. I thought this was weird because I thought he wasn’t even talking about what I was talking about.

But it has become a lesson to me. I had also been comparing it to a friendship I have been in now for several years. What a wonder and difficulty it has been. I would call it a magical friendship. It is always on the verge of being over and yet it keeps still not being over. A comfort relationship would never be so difficult and yet why do I keep this one? Something I can’t see. This friend keeps me alive but not physically, I feel he brings my old soul back to life with his youthful soul. I think at one point I made him feel ok to be alive period. Just guesses. Like I said, not easy to explain.

Ego Tripping
I have had several magical relationships in my life and many I have lost. It has been so long since I’ve had one that I hold this precious above nearly everything else. But once the concept was pointed out, I noticed that I have lost nearly all of my magical relationships to my ego. These relationships are so important that you lose some sort of power over your own self. And alas here is a person that can hurt you like no other.

The people that are magical to me are usually so vibrant and full of motion in some way that they always hurt me. There it is. The ego is hurt. I step away so as not to get tripped over.

(All Is) Dream
It is my dream to someday maintain a magical relationship forever. Is this possible? I think it requires time and a lot of space so as not to be crushed. But something so magical you just want to hold it in your hands and squeeze the life out of it. It is hard not to ruin it.

1/10/04