23 Sick of the past

Turning 40.
I have the every 5 year time line. I guess starting at 20. I can't remember 15.
20 When I became a person. Everything hit me. Real things hit me.
25 Marriage, a certain tendency for weight gain in many. I did a lot of new things that year. Airplane, going overseas, getting married. I wrote a 25 year-old rant about how at 25 we feel like we are supposed to go somewhere, be somebody etc. And how do we get there and it all being pretty much of a hoax that such things or places exist.
30 Ugh things started getting physically weird. Bruises you can't explain. Ailments you don't understand. Fatter if you didn't at 25. I guess your “youth hormones” go away around now.
35 Massive teen angst. Cuckoo brains. I am correlating this with pre-menopausal hormone types of things. Guys and girls. Some of the slower to settle down types settle down, the settled down ones start getting unsettled.

So now here I am just turned 40. Dave's mom joked about me feeling like my life is over. And was shocked when I agree wholeheartedly. It is how it feels. Waiting for death. But I can't feel that way and continue, so the resulting emotion is being sick of the past.

It's been a very good one but I have no ideas what to do next. And I don't just want to define myself by what has already gone by. I can't or there is no hope. Why is that such a human assumption? Why do people need bands to make the same great record over and over? Why can't people make more great records? I mean I can't stand some of the present records of some of my heroes of the past. But why can't people make decent records at older ages? Maybe they just define themselves by the past after a point. Maybe they can't understand the present. But when you are younger you can't understand the present but you make that work for you. Maybe.

Maybe I don't know enough but I have been reading a lot this last year. And this does not seem to follow with writers. Maybe there is more in place with book publishing, editors or something. Maybe it is more artistry based as opposed to money based than the music business. I don't know. In the music business there is so much more physicality involved. Books are pure ideas. Music has so much more to it. Fashion and looks and hauling gear and yourself around. Even so why should this affect the actual recordings? People rest on their laurels maybe. Maybe some elements of the work takes over other elements. Why aren't more people just making music for music's sake? Maybe they are and I am one of the culprits, needing more than that.

Well anyway, I am sick of the past. It just seems to accumulate into this undeniable pile and you are only fooling yourself if you think you can pretend it doesn't exist. Ah yes midlife crisis. Blow it up. Blow yourself up. Become enlightened. Keep on trucking. Haha.

Really, I am sick of the past. I have no patience for this.

5/11/06